boredom

boredom.

one of my flaws. these past couple years i have learned a tremendous amount about myself. one of the biggest, and probably most important to recognize, i get bored easily. i get bored with my major, my location, my job, my surroundings, etc. so i try to move on the next exciting thing and then it never turns out to be as exciting as i thought it was going to be. so i get bored. so does that mean im going to be disappointed for the rest of my life? i think im trying to find something that will forever entertain me and keep my interest. but im positive there is nothing like that anywhere... unless dane cook or wayne brady moved in. why do i get bored? i wish i could commit to something with no end date in mind. so do i want to leave the church because im bored? or do i genuinely think i shouldnt be there? well spending time with the Lord will answer that im sure. and since this quality isnt a matter of sin its just a character trait, i can say with confidence that God wired me this way for a reason. he wired me to desire change and thrive in changing environments. so now i just need to figure out how He wants me to use that for His kingdom and how i can use it as a tool.

reading time.

4. attempt #3

sometimes i think im bi-polar. i mean i know im not but my head just seems like it sometimes. the past month has been rough. not sure quite why. i've felt pretty alone and separated from The Lord. i think i figured out what my funk came down to. i haven't felt like i have had worth in God's sight. which in and of myself I know that i have no worth. i'm a sinner. but what about after salvation? am i just one of God's children running around doing my own thing attempting not to mess up my life? or am i actually loved and valued by God? my head knows what the right answer is but is that what i believe and feel? i was thinking about it as i was doing my hair. the 15 minutes of blow drying in the morning is my time of complete solitude. it can be very good (like this particular morning) or really harmful. which in that case i turn on the ipod (which i will have to figure out what to do once beth leaves...). As i was blow drying a remembered someone writing to me once "i am sure that God is proud of the way you have chosen to serve him." i cried when i read that and i almost started crying when i thought of it. Is he? is he proud of me? His child? does He take pleasure in me? or am i just a lowly man who continues to mess up?
i thought about it all day. and that night i just sat with Him. and asked Him to allow me to feel His worth in me. that was a couple nights ago and i truly have been feeling it. i know that we aren't supposed to give much weight on our feelings and emotions (or at least that's what we are taught) but He has given me that. i even read my bible last night. its weird how we always return to the basics in the end. now i just need to continue praying and actually perusing Him. what if im feeling better just because my mood changed? i cant think that. every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord so this change of mood is a good gift and is from Him.
why am i blogging at work? and not at night when i have the time? oh well. ill probably write again later and talk about something lighter. okay? okay.

tres

this is soon going to be yet another avenue to take when i am trying to procrastinate.

exhibit a



I really like this picture for some reason. probably because im mildly obsessed with pink skies. and its like peace amongst busy streets. i sound lame...

i found out today that he applied to california schools. which i know really means nothing but still a part of me got happy and the larger part of me was sad. oh well. the Lord is good. no matter what.

i hate being indecisive.

Two

lots of things happened today. well probably not anymore than a normal day but since im writing them out it seems like a lot.

I went to work. told dave i might quit. he told me that if i am in the word, seeking counsel, and im in prayer then i can do whatever the heck i want. now its just a matter of figuring out what that is. then i continued to make my endless amounts of phone calls, repeating the exact same thing over and over. i have my little schpeel memorized to the point where i can text and leave a message at the same time. however, i could be reciting what i am typing and i would have no idea. today i realized that i don't want to be a secretary forever. contradictory to what i have believed my entire life. ...back to the drawing board.

something funny: i called a family the other day and this is convo that happened. me: "hi is your mom or dad home?" girl "no my mom isn't home and my dad can't come to the phone right now." me: "oh okay when would should i call back?" girl "my dad is in the bathtub" me: "...well...ill call back...in... an hour..." i didn't tho. i started laughing whenever i tried.

i want to travel. im pretty sure if i had endless amounts of money, i would go to every major city in the world and spend a month there. find hole in the wall restaurants and sit and stare at art or the great land marks. just being amongst glimpses of my creative God gets my heart beating fast.

i really like art. i may not seem like it but it fascinates me. the deep meaning behind paint. i always wished that i was more artsy and may be i am but i just have never let it out. i also saw a man smoking a pipe today. pipes are extremely attractive to me. i think they represent wisdom, grandfathers, and people who know much more than i. im pretty sure the man i end up with has to smoke a pipe. or at least own one.

dreams freak me out. well i take that back. most of the time i am really intrigued and amused by them but the concept scares me to death. scenarios that you can actually feel and have no real control over. i truly believe satan used dreams to cause us to lose focus. well he does for me at least. my weirdly detailed memory replays things over and over in my head. and the fact i think in a film like sequence doesn't help either.

i need to get better at this.