sometimes i think im bi-polar. i mean i know im not but my head just seems like it sometimes. the past month has been rough. not sure quite why. i've felt pretty alone and separated from The Lord. i think i figured out what my funk came down to. i haven't felt like i have had worth in God's sight. which in and of myself I know that i have no worth. i'm a sinner. but what about after salvation? am i just one of God's children running around doing my own thing attempting not to mess up my life? or am i actually loved and valued by God? my head knows what the right answer is but is that what i believe and feel? i was thinking about it as i was doing my hair. the 15 minutes of blow drying in the morning is my time of complete solitude. it can be very good (like this particular morning) or really harmful. which in that case i turn on the ipod (which i will have to figure out what to do once beth leaves...). As i was blow drying a remembered someone writing to me once "i am sure that God is proud of the way you have chosen to serve him." i cried when i read that and i almost started crying when i thought of it. Is he? is he proud of me? His child? does He take pleasure in me? or am i just a lowly man who continues to mess up?
i thought about it all day. and that night i just sat with Him. and asked Him to allow me to feel His worth in me. that was a couple nights ago and i truly have been feeling it. i know that we aren't supposed to give much weight on our feelings and emotions (or at least that's what we are taught) but He has given me that. i even read my bible last night. its weird how we always return to the basics in the end. now i just need to continue praying and actually perusing Him. what if im feeling better just because my mood changed? i cant think that. every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord so this change of mood is a good gift and is from Him.
why am i blogging at work? and not at night when i have the time? oh well. ill probably write again later and talk about something lighter. okay? okay.
1 comment:
so what you're saying is that i shouldn't interrupt you during your 15 minutes of blow drying considering that is the time when you are in deep thought??
i guess i can give you that
:)
keep it coming bean, work or nighttime, it's good to read!
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