the prize

it's 4:45 in the morning and my body apparently thinks 3 and a half hours of sleep was adequate so instead of looking at pinterest again, i'm going to attempt to redeem this odd hour.

last night i got home from an amazing, life-giving weekend. there is something invaluable and indescribable about being with people who know you so well, you could say no words or you could say a million nonsensical ones and they would know what you meant all the same (or at least feel freedom to tell you they didn't understand anything you just said). we talked about life, our struggles and victories in our walks with the Lord, our favorite herbs, patio furniture, and many more things that mean nothing and something all at the same time.

i was very loudly reminded of God's grace in my life regarding my friendships. and i don't mean this is a cliche' way. but really, the friendships i have are a testament to the Holy Spirit and him alone. because i've single-handedly ruined friendships, and God has single-handedly restored them. not even because i tried and begged for him to fix them, but because his plans and intentions are bigger than my sin.

one conversation in particular gave me a huge dose of clarity in my walk with Jesus. a walk that has honestly been a question mark in my mind. if someone were to ask me how i'm doing spiritually, i would have no idea how to answer right now. i don't know how to gauge it or measure it, but i wouldn't say it's bad but I wouldn't say i'm walking boldly in the Spirit either. i'm just... walking.

the question that was posed this weekend is, "is our end goal in life to be more like Jesus, or to know Jesus deeper?" i knew immediately the answer was (arguably) to know Jesus deeper and in the same instant i knew that that's not how i've been living or thinking. i can look back on the past season of life and become extremely disappointed in myself if i think too long. not because i was rebellious or sinful or anything like that, but because i didn't exude Christ the way i wished i had or in the way my pride wanted other people to see me. i didn't trust in His words alone, i longed and begged for the respect and approval of others, i knew the thing to do and didn't do it, i justified my actions and pushed blame. i could go on!

what i learned from this conversation with my friends this weekend is that my eyes have been on the wrong goal. i've been trying and hoping to have Christ-like fruit coming from my life (not a bad thing) but missing my relationship with the person of Jesus all together. if we are seeking to know Christ deeper, then we will show him better! by sheer cause and effect! by focusing on my one-on-one relationship with Jesus, my heart will be shaped like his, my mind will be filled with his words, and my attitude will reflect humility. But here is the thing... it won't be perfect. i won't always hit the mark. my pride wants to show everyone that i've got my stuff together, but that's not genuine! the truth is, i miss the mark more often than not, my thoughts are all over the place, i regret words as soon as i speak them sometimes. but that's the beauty of the gospel isn't it? I'm not trying to earn God's favor. He loves me right now at this moment as much as he will ever love me. when i focus solely on showing Christ in my life without going to him as my source, my motives are questionable and i miss Him all together!

what prize are your eyes on?