5 months ago (today) I packed up everything I own and moved from my lifelong home town to a place where I knew 2 people. I had bittersweet excitement as I was embarking on this new journey. I had big dreams of who I was going to be in this new town, the struggles I was going to leave behind in Fresno, and the instance best friends I would make upon arrival. Now that I have been here for a semester, I can see that the Lord had different intentions for moving me down here. I've learned things I didn't expect to learn, struggled in ways I thought I was over, and felt God's guidance more than I expected.
People. The people here are completely wonderful. The other CBU staff members I get to work with are committed followers of Jesus, passionate about students, and… hilarious. If you know me you know that that is big for me to admit (being the I'm an aspiring comedian). However, there is something you can't just create in a group of people… the feeling of being known. Yes, these people are wonderful, but I would say up until recently, they did not know me. Unfortunately, I found that this feeling of people being on the outside was oddly familiar. I learned through this feeling of "loneliness in a crowd" that it was a feeling I had my last year and a half in Fresno that I could never quite put my finger on. The walls that I put up in Fresno and carried with me to my new life were a glaring hurdle in my desire to be known by these new, fantastic people. This led me to a lesson in…
Intimacy. What a weird word. A weird powerful word. I looked up synonyms for the word "intimate" and some were: close, dear, cherished, familiar, devoted, and more. What a beautiful thing we get to have with people! Platonic or romantic, family or friend. However, there is always risk in these deep relationships with sinful people as both parties have the capability to hurt the other or themselves in the process. In my adult life I've experienced the beautiful, worshipful intention of God-intended intimacy. I also (as probably most people do) carry with me scars from hurt. Through a few events since college, my heart had been hurt and I rewired my brain (subconsciously) to believe the lie that I could be self-sufficient and not need people. Because if I don't need people, then I can sit on my pride, help others when needed, but never really give pieces of myself. I could not see how my past hurts affected me, until I got here. Take deep wounds and add them to an underlying struggle with pride and you've got yourself a hot mess. Through counseling and a few key friends here and in Fresno, God is graciously showing me how to break down walls and let myself feel known by others. It's scary, but I'm learning. Allowing God to rewire my brain and accept the fact that desire for intimacy is not wrong, it's a God-given and God-glorifying thing.
This is just one of the many reasons I believe God brought me down here.
There is definitely more to come :)
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
the prize
it's 4:45 in the morning and my body apparently thinks 3 and a half hours of sleep was adequate so instead of looking at pinterest again, i'm going to attempt to redeem this odd hour.
last night i got home from an amazing, life-giving weekend. there is something invaluable and indescribable about being with people who know you so well, you could say no words or you could say a million nonsensical ones and they would know what you meant all the same (or at least feel freedom to tell you they didn't understand anything you just said). we talked about life, our struggles and victories in our walks with the Lord, our favorite herbs, patio furniture, and many more things that mean nothing and something all at the same time.
i was very loudly reminded of God's grace in my life regarding my friendships. and i don't mean this is a cliche' way. but really, the friendships i have are a testament to the Holy Spirit and him alone. because i've single-handedly ruined friendships, and God has single-handedly restored them. not even because i tried and begged for him to fix them, but because his plans and intentions are bigger than my sin.
one conversation in particular gave me a huge dose of clarity in my walk with Jesus. a walk that has honestly been a question mark in my mind. if someone were to ask me how i'm doing spiritually, i would have no idea how to answer right now. i don't know how to gauge it or measure it, but i wouldn't say it's bad but I wouldn't say i'm walking boldly in the Spirit either. i'm just... walking.
the question that was posed this weekend is, "is our end goal in life to be more like Jesus, or to know Jesus deeper?" i knew immediately the answer was (arguably) to know Jesus deeper and in the same instant i knew that that's not how i've been living or thinking. i can look back on the past season of life and become extremely disappointed in myself if i think too long. not because i was rebellious or sinful or anything like that, but because i didn't exude Christ the way i wished i had or in the way my pride wanted other people to see me. i didn't trust in His words alone, i longed and begged for the respect and approval of others, i knew the thing to do and didn't do it, i justified my actions and pushed blame. i could go on!
what i learned from this conversation with my friends this weekend is that my eyes have been on the wrong goal. i've been trying and hoping to have Christ-like fruit coming from my life (not a bad thing) but missing my relationship with the person of Jesus all together. if we are seeking to know Christ deeper, then we will show him better! by sheer cause and effect! by focusing on my one-on-one relationship with Jesus, my heart will be shaped like his, my mind will be filled with his words, and my attitude will reflect humility. But here is the thing... it won't be perfect. i won't always hit the mark. my pride wants to show everyone that i've got my stuff together, but that's not genuine! the truth is, i miss the mark more often than not, my thoughts are all over the place, i regret words as soon as i speak them sometimes. but that's the beauty of the gospel isn't it? I'm not trying to earn God's favor. He loves me right now at this moment as much as he will ever love me. when i focus solely on showing Christ in my life without going to him as my source, my motives are questionable and i miss Him all together!
what prize are your eyes on?
last night i got home from an amazing, life-giving weekend. there is something invaluable and indescribable about being with people who know you so well, you could say no words or you could say a million nonsensical ones and they would know what you meant all the same (or at least feel freedom to tell you they didn't understand anything you just said). we talked about life, our struggles and victories in our walks with the Lord, our favorite herbs, patio furniture, and many more things that mean nothing and something all at the same time.
i was very loudly reminded of God's grace in my life regarding my friendships. and i don't mean this is a cliche' way. but really, the friendships i have are a testament to the Holy Spirit and him alone. because i've single-handedly ruined friendships, and God has single-handedly restored them. not even because i tried and begged for him to fix them, but because his plans and intentions are bigger than my sin.
one conversation in particular gave me a huge dose of clarity in my walk with Jesus. a walk that has honestly been a question mark in my mind. if someone were to ask me how i'm doing spiritually, i would have no idea how to answer right now. i don't know how to gauge it or measure it, but i wouldn't say it's bad but I wouldn't say i'm walking boldly in the Spirit either. i'm just... walking.
the question that was posed this weekend is, "is our end goal in life to be more like Jesus, or to know Jesus deeper?" i knew immediately the answer was (arguably) to know Jesus deeper and in the same instant i knew that that's not how i've been living or thinking. i can look back on the past season of life and become extremely disappointed in myself if i think too long. not because i was rebellious or sinful or anything like that, but because i didn't exude Christ the way i wished i had or in the way my pride wanted other people to see me. i didn't trust in His words alone, i longed and begged for the respect and approval of others, i knew the thing to do and didn't do it, i justified my actions and pushed blame. i could go on!
what i learned from this conversation with my friends this weekend is that my eyes have been on the wrong goal. i've been trying and hoping to have Christ-like fruit coming from my life (not a bad thing) but missing my relationship with the person of Jesus all together. if we are seeking to know Christ deeper, then we will show him better! by sheer cause and effect! by focusing on my one-on-one relationship with Jesus, my heart will be shaped like his, my mind will be filled with his words, and my attitude will reflect humility. But here is the thing... it won't be perfect. i won't always hit the mark. my pride wants to show everyone that i've got my stuff together, but that's not genuine! the truth is, i miss the mark more often than not, my thoughts are all over the place, i regret words as soon as i speak them sometimes. but that's the beauty of the gospel isn't it? I'm not trying to earn God's favor. He loves me right now at this moment as much as he will ever love me. when i focus solely on showing Christ in my life without going to him as my source, my motives are questionable and i miss Him all together!
what prize are your eyes on?
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
copy and paste
I found this blog the other day. And honestly I wish I had wrote it. I don't know who this author is but she penned my heart. My words and feelings were on the screen before me and I felt like I had written it. I even just attempted to rewrite something like it but didn't even come close! So I'll just copy it here.
Here is a glimpse of my heart and mind the past few months. It's unfortunate how often I choose my flesh over the Holy Spirit that is gifted to us to use in times like these, but moments like these make me even more thankful for the place in front of the cross where Jesus waits. Not frustrated or angry with me. But ready to pick me back up and walk with me. To remind me of my value and identity in Him. I hope this encourages you as much it did me.
I know there’s a time to stick up for myself or clarify another’s misconception. But there’s also a time to choose to let things go, to absorb the insult, to respond with grace and kindness even though it seems so contrary to my natural response. I’m a Christian. I have a new heart, and one that is not of stone but is of flesh. This new heart it supposed to be soft and loving and my speech is supposed to be seasoned with grace. I continue thinking about the same conversation and I hear the unkind, impatient words that I spoke. Where is the softness? Where is the grace?
BEING FORGIVEN
I sit slumped forward, discouraged, and hope runs thin as I replay the conversation. Why did I choose to be annoyed? Why did I choose to speak harshly? Why did I choose to let it get under my skin instead of absorbing the offense?
My heart is heavy, weighted. I wish I could simply rewind and redo the last few minutes. I chose to speak hard words of anger; I chose to do what was wrong when there was such a clear choice to do what was right.
But grace…
Grace comes, covering like a layer of freshly fallen snow.
Sin is ugly and glaring, but it will not control, nor will it have the final say. Sin that leads to sorrow that brings me to Christ upon that cross that softens my heart in repentance that allows me to find forgiveness that covers me in His grace. What an intricate, compassionate design.
The weight lifts. The burden eases. The sorrow is replaced with peace. Peace: something that, even moments before, I was clawing at but that was out of my reach.
My mind returns to that recent conversation where I fell so short of the mark, where I was cold and annoyed and impatient and unloving. I can’t help but think how it’s altogether effortless to be gracious in the easy moments but that it’s a testimony to His goodness when graciousness abounds in difficulty, when graciousness marks me even when I’m responding to unkindness.
I’m reasonably good at loving people when they’ve shown love towards me. I often fail at loving people well when they’ve hurt me. There’s nothing remarkable in the former; there’s something uniquely Christian in the latter.
I speak these words to someone I love:
“It was wrong to be short-tempered, to be unkind to you. I should have been gracious; I have every reason in the world to be gracious. Would you forgive me?”
How sweet it is, to hear words of love and forgiveness spoken in return. Repentance and forgiveness brings such freedom, such joy, such life.
There is no delight in sin or in the heaviness that descends. But there is a moment of profound, indescribable beauty when repentance is met with forgiveness.
http://galotti.blogspot.com/2013/01/being-forgiven.html
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
be a blessing
i enjoy lists. i look at a list and know exactly what needs to be done so i dont have to worry about forgetting papers, appointments, etc. i especially love it when someone gives me a lists to follow. especially when that someone is a wise theologian. here is a list compiled by john piper (i did the little blurbs) on how to keep unity with each other. look at it. think about the areas that you struggle with most. and then do it!
1. let's avoid gossiping
gossiping is the first thing to do if you want to to hurt the unity of a group. not only are you making someone look bad in front of someone else, you are hurting the trust of the person you are speaking to! this is especially true with fellow believers. why do we feel the most freedom to gossip when it's about our own church family?
2. let’s identify evidences of grace in each other and speak them to each other and about each other.
instead of looking at what the person is doing wrong, first focus on where you are seeing God work in them! then TELL THEM. how encouraging is it for someone to hear that God is being shown in their life. I can't say how many times i have felt lame and felt like i was being a dead-beat Christian then someone goes out of their way to encourage it me and i am reminded that God is SO much bigger than me and just because i can't feel him doesn't mean he is not moving!!
3. Let’s speak criticism directly to each other if we feel the need to speak to others about it.
this kind of goes along with the gossip idea. if you find yourself having a major grievance with someone, ask yourself if you have talked to that person about it. if you haven't and have no intention to, do not talk to anyone else about it. if you need advice on the situation before you confront your friend, there are ways to go about it without bashing or gossiping! Talk to one person who is older and outside of the situation. And our motive when bringing another person in is to gain wisdom so there can be restoration. I have been trying to use these situations as a chance to rely on the Spirit to guide me, not any one person. Being an external processor, it's hard for me to not talk to many people about my issues. In reality, the only necessary person to talk to about it is the Lord.
4. Let’s look for, and assume, the best motive in the other’s viewpoint, especially when we disagree.
Believe the best in others. Believe that your fellow Christ followers are not out to get you. When we feel threatened it's easy for us to get defensive. Remember, we are on the same side here! Satan would love for us to be on different sides. We are far less affective that way.
5. Think often of the magnificent things we hold in common.
When you are in a fight or tension with someone else, remember, Christ died for both of you. In front of the cross we are equally helpless. Remembering this can ease the tension and the desire to bash others. You are no greater than the person next to you. Your sin issues are no holier. You are both children of the Most High.
1. let's avoid gossiping
gossiping is the first thing to do if you want to to hurt the unity of a group. not only are you making someone look bad in front of someone else, you are hurting the trust of the person you are speaking to! this is especially true with fellow believers. why do we feel the most freedom to gossip when it's about our own church family?
2. let’s identify evidences of grace in each other and speak them to each other and about each other.
instead of looking at what the person is doing wrong, first focus on where you are seeing God work in them! then TELL THEM. how encouraging is it for someone to hear that God is being shown in their life. I can't say how many times i have felt lame and felt like i was being a dead-beat Christian then someone goes out of their way to encourage it me and i am reminded that God is SO much bigger than me and just because i can't feel him doesn't mean he is not moving!!
3. Let’s speak criticism directly to each other if we feel the need to speak to others about it.
this kind of goes along with the gossip idea. if you find yourself having a major grievance with someone, ask yourself if you have talked to that person about it. if you haven't and have no intention to, do not talk to anyone else about it. if you need advice on the situation before you confront your friend, there are ways to go about it without bashing or gossiping! Talk to one person who is older and outside of the situation. And our motive when bringing another person in is to gain wisdom so there can be restoration. I have been trying to use these situations as a chance to rely on the Spirit to guide me, not any one person. Being an external processor, it's hard for me to not talk to many people about my issues. In reality, the only necessary person to talk to about it is the Lord.
4. Let’s look for, and assume, the best motive in the other’s viewpoint, especially when we disagree.
Believe the best in others. Believe that your fellow Christ followers are not out to get you. When we feel threatened it's easy for us to get defensive. Remember, we are on the same side here! Satan would love for us to be on different sides. We are far less affective that way.
5. Think often of the magnificent things we hold in common.
When you are in a fight or tension with someone else, remember, Christ died for both of you. In front of the cross we are equally helpless. Remembering this can ease the tension and the desire to bash others. You are no greater than the person next to you. Your sin issues are no holier. You are both children of the Most High.
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