So I haven't done this blog thing in quite a while. So what is causing me to do it now? I have no idea. Just that I feel like I've learned a great deal of things in the past 6 months and perhaps I should write them down?
I believe the last time I wrote was April. So let's start there. I was reading the Pursuit of Holiness then, and here I am now, still (kind of) reading it. I have no ability to finish books and I'm okay with that. I'm still at my job and I've learned that at around month 10 of every job I've had, I'm ready to move on. So here I am, at month 10, ready to move on. But I'm sticking with it. The Lord has given me a spirit that loves change and I think He may want to challenge my ability to commit and stick with it. So whether I'm being spit on, scratched, or hugged, I shall continue, as unto Christ. I know that sounds cheesy but it's true! I am living with 2 fantastic girls that I'm learning more about all the time and we are getting along great!
In the past 6 months I've learned about so many of my weaknesses. I've learned that I try to please men, I'm dependent on affirmation, and I need major priority checks (to name a few). I lived with the Downs family this summer (by the grace of God!) and I thought my summer was going to be all good feelings, Jesus loves me's, and giggles but the Lord had other plans. He used the month I was there to show me of my need for Him. Not men, words, or "good jobs" but just Him. I learned I look outward far too often, blaming, excusing, and justifying my actions, when I should be looking inward, at my heart that is in need of change! He has so much He wants to work out in me if only I would stop and examine myself.
I have also spent a lot of time with Godly women in my life that encourage me, laugh with me, and slap me when I need it. I wouldn't trade a second of it!
All in all I'm so grateful for a God who is never done molding me, a God who gives grace and power to people like me, and a God who is El Roi, the God who sees. He sees where I'm at, my imperfections, my failed attempts and does not passively watch, but actively provides for, smiles upon, disciplines, and walks with me. Hallelujiah!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
yucky.
this is nothing to do with anything i'm learning or reading but i just wanted to say that today i have had a starbucks white mocha double shot, a hot dog and cheetos, a bacon ranch tortada, home made nachos, 4 double stuffed oreos, a handful of peanut butter m&ms, and some frozen yogurt.
i'm pretty sure after I read the chapter in "the pursuit of holiness" about my bodily health i won't want to eat that crap anymore. so i might as well get it in before i get all convicted and stuff right?? ;)
in all seriousness i am PRAYING that i become convicted in the area of my eating/exercise habits. i want to honor God in all areas!!
that's all for now. i'll write a real post this week. promise :).
i'm pretty sure after I read the chapter in "the pursuit of holiness" about my bodily health i won't want to eat that crap anymore. so i might as well get it in before i get all convicted and stuff right?? ;)
in all seriousness i am PRAYING that i become convicted in the area of my eating/exercise habits. i want to honor God in all areas!!
that's all for now. i'll write a real post this week. promise :).
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
big
i remember watching Big when I was 7(ish) years old and loving that movie. I loved the idea of growing up and having a real job, with a real apartment, and have real adult friends. i was that little kid who loved to pretend she was her mom (i have the pictures to prove it) and thought a fun game was "grocery store" and "house" when I made my dad be the landlord and send me bills in my cardboard mailbox. well the other day I had "big" moment. i was talking to a parent and I said, "when I'm an adult..." and she interrupted me to remind me i am an adult. then i thought about it. for the next 2 days. "holy cow. when i was younger I though 23 was so old. now here i am!" since when do i pay car insurance, health insurance, do taxes, make decisions, and get masters degrees? the rebellious side of me says "why the heck do you get to say when i get to take a vacation? i work when i wanna work lady!" then i remember, that i'm not a kid, i'm an adult. i dont get to play by my rules anymore.
when i was a freshman at masters there was a girl named bethany that past away in a car accident. everyone loved her. they had a huge memorial service and it truly shook the student body who knew her. when they described her they talked about her absolute love for God's Word, how it was always on her lips and lived out in her actions. she had joy that was so obviously from her delight in her Father. i told myself that day in september of 2005 that I wanted to be like her "when i grow up." well I feel like that day is here. am i the person i want to be? i regret to say that I'm not the person i had hoped to be by the age of 23. don't get me wrong, the Lord has grown me and taught me immeasurable things in the past 5 years. i have learned and seen sides of Him I had no idea existed and have been blessed by amazing people. but i can't help to think of the vision of who i want to be in 20 years. what am i doing about it now to get there? i forget that the decisions i'm making now will affect me the rest of my life, that the habits i'm forming now have the potential to stay with me forever. I know it is the Lord that has brought these thoughts and concerns to my mind. i want to live a life on complete intentionality. for Him and for others. i pray that He will continue to prune me that I may love Him and others better. Maybe one day I'll feel like I have this grown up thing figured out. until then, i'll just keep pretending :) just like tom hanks.
when i was a freshman at masters there was a girl named bethany that past away in a car accident. everyone loved her. they had a huge memorial service and it truly shook the student body who knew her. when they described her they talked about her absolute love for God's Word, how it was always on her lips and lived out in her actions. she had joy that was so obviously from her delight in her Father. i told myself that day in september of 2005 that I wanted to be like her "when i grow up." well I feel like that day is here. am i the person i want to be? i regret to say that I'm not the person i had hoped to be by the age of 23. don't get me wrong, the Lord has grown me and taught me immeasurable things in the past 5 years. i have learned and seen sides of Him I had no idea existed and have been blessed by amazing people. but i can't help to think of the vision of who i want to be in 20 years. what am i doing about it now to get there? i forget that the decisions i'm making now will affect me the rest of my life, that the habits i'm forming now have the potential to stay with me forever. I know it is the Lord that has brought these thoughts and concerns to my mind. i want to live a life on complete intentionality. for Him and for others. i pray that He will continue to prune me that I may love Him and others better. Maybe one day I'll feel like I have this grown up thing figured out. until then, i'll just keep pretending :) just like tom hanks.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
behavior modification
okay fine. i'll blog :)
turns out i've not written a decent blog since june (yikes!). i'll just to an adequate update while keeping it somewhat brief.
im not pursuing grad school at CSUF anymore. i'm working as a therapist to kids with autism. i'm living with 4 of my closests friends. i'm going to the well. is that good enough? :)
so being a child development major and now working with a bunch of behaviorists, i think about people and the reasons we do what we do. at work we analyze our clients misbehaviors by asking "why are they acting out?" By that we can try and get to the root of the problem and address that instead just training them how to act (i imagine the same thing goes for parenting). when i first heard of this in a class i took in college it blew my mind. "you mean there is a deeper issue than the kid just wanting to kick his sister?" i know this may sound elementary but my eyes were totally opened. It's a heart issue. if we address just the behavior, the problem is still very much alive, just hiding under a bandaid. we are just modifying the behavior and while doing so telling the kid "it's okay to be angry at your sister all the time, just dont kick her." that's not what we want.
now the part that i have been thinking about/being convicted of since my last post is not the heart issue behind that bad stuff i do, but the good stuff. the things that make me look good or feel good. like, reading my bible, going to church, not watching this show or that movie, praying, the list goes on. unfortunately my reasons behind doing these things is not always to be living in my abundant life, that is Christ. sometimes the reasons are: i know i should read, i don't want ______ to know that i watch this movie or say that word, i'm supposed to do this or that, etc. i am a victim of my own training! i have modified my behavior without checking the heart of the issue. how horribly sad. not just for me but even more so for my Father. now i dont want to say that i'm like this all the time. a lot of the time i read b/c i know i should and as soon as i open my bible i feel a tsunami of comfort and truth coming my way. perhaps you have felt the same thing? it is my hope and prayer that my heart would be completely set on honoring my Lord and yearing to be closer to Him and that is the only reason for doing the things i do. however, i can't just make myself want something or yearn for something.
Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." it doesn't start with doing, it starts with something so much deeper. how do we renew our mind and heart? by filling it with Him. spend time with Him, talking with Him, reading, being outside in His nature, list His qualities, list His names.
psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." when He is what im filling myself with, He will be my delight. and heck, we need to be asking Him for these things!
So right now i'm working on the heart of the issue. why i do or don't do things. why do i run to others? why do i measure myself with those around me? why are my eyes doing a constant shifting gaze instead of staring at Him and Him alone?
let's take a week. a week of purposeful pursuit of Him. spending time in His word, with His people, in His presence. ready go.
turns out i've not written a decent blog since june (yikes!). i'll just to an adequate update while keeping it somewhat brief.
im not pursuing grad school at CSUF anymore. i'm working as a therapist to kids with autism. i'm living with 4 of my closests friends. i'm going to the well. is that good enough? :)
so being a child development major and now working with a bunch of behaviorists, i think about people and the reasons we do what we do. at work we analyze our clients misbehaviors by asking "why are they acting out?" By that we can try and get to the root of the problem and address that instead just training them how to act (i imagine the same thing goes for parenting). when i first heard of this in a class i took in college it blew my mind. "you mean there is a deeper issue than the kid just wanting to kick his sister?" i know this may sound elementary but my eyes were totally opened. It's a heart issue. if we address just the behavior, the problem is still very much alive, just hiding under a bandaid. we are just modifying the behavior and while doing so telling the kid "it's okay to be angry at your sister all the time, just dont kick her." that's not what we want.
now the part that i have been thinking about/being convicted of since my last post is not the heart issue behind that bad stuff i do, but the good stuff. the things that make me look good or feel good. like, reading my bible, going to church, not watching this show or that movie, praying, the list goes on. unfortunately my reasons behind doing these things is not always to be living in my abundant life, that is Christ. sometimes the reasons are: i know i should read, i don't want ______ to know that i watch this movie or say that word, i'm supposed to do this or that, etc. i am a victim of my own training! i have modified my behavior without checking the heart of the issue. how horribly sad. not just for me but even more so for my Father. now i dont want to say that i'm like this all the time. a lot of the time i read b/c i know i should and as soon as i open my bible i feel a tsunami of comfort and truth coming my way. perhaps you have felt the same thing? it is my hope and prayer that my heart would be completely set on honoring my Lord and yearing to be closer to Him and that is the only reason for doing the things i do. however, i can't just make myself want something or yearn for something.
Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." it doesn't start with doing, it starts with something so much deeper. how do we renew our mind and heart? by filling it with Him. spend time with Him, talking with Him, reading, being outside in His nature, list His qualities, list His names.
psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." when He is what im filling myself with, He will be my delight. and heck, we need to be asking Him for these things!
So right now i'm working on the heart of the issue. why i do or don't do things. why do i run to others? why do i measure myself with those around me? why are my eyes doing a constant shifting gaze instead of staring at Him and Him alone?
let's take a week. a week of purposeful pursuit of Him. spending time in His word, with His people, in His presence. ready go.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
some stuff
since i'm being really lame when it comes to updating my blog with actual thoughts, here are some pictures :)
Friday, August 28, 2009
not a real post...
dang i need to post. i will soon!!!! an update of the summer, what i'm learning, and new changes in this years plan!
brb.... :)
brb.... :)
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