big

i remember watching Big when I was 7(ish) years old and loving that movie. I loved the idea of growing up and having a real job, with a real apartment, and have real adult friends. i was that little kid who loved to pretend she was her mom (i have the pictures to prove it) and thought a fun game was "grocery store" and "house" when I made my dad be the landlord and send me bills in my cardboard mailbox. well the other day I had "big" moment. i was talking to a parent and I said, "when I'm an adult..." and she interrupted me to remind me i am an adult. then i thought about it. for the next 2 days. "holy cow. when i was younger I though 23 was so old. now here i am!" since when do i pay car insurance, health insurance, do taxes, make decisions, and get masters degrees? the rebellious side of me says "why the heck do you get to say when i get to take a vacation? i work when i wanna work lady!" then i remember, that i'm not a kid, i'm an adult. i dont get to play by my rules anymore.

when i was a freshman at masters there was a girl named bethany that past away in a car accident. everyone loved her. they had a huge memorial service and it truly shook the student body who knew her. when they described her they talked about her absolute love for God's Word, how it was always on her lips and lived out in her actions. she had joy that was so obviously from her delight in her Father. i told myself that day in september of 2005 that I wanted to be like her "when i grow up." well I feel like that day is here. am i the person i want to be? i regret to say that I'm not the person i had hoped to be by the age of 23. don't get me wrong, the Lord has grown me and taught me immeasurable things in the past 5 years. i have learned and seen sides of Him I had no idea existed and have been blessed by amazing people. but i can't help to think of the vision of who i want to be in 20 years. what am i doing about it now to get there? i forget that the decisions i'm making now will affect me the rest of my life, that the habits i'm forming now have the potential to stay with me forever. I know it is the Lord that has brought these thoughts and concerns to my mind. i want to live a life on complete intentionality. for Him and for others. i pray that He will continue to prune me that I may love Him and others better. Maybe one day I'll feel like I have this grown up thing figured out. until then, i'll just keep pretending :) just like tom hanks.

behavior modification

okay fine. i'll blog :)

turns out i've not written a decent blog since june (yikes!). i'll just to an adequate update while keeping it somewhat brief.

im not pursuing grad school at CSUF anymore. i'm working as a therapist to kids with autism. i'm living with 4 of my closests friends. i'm going to the well. is that good enough? :)

so being a child development major and now working with a bunch of behaviorists, i think about people and the reasons we do what we do. at work we analyze our clients misbehaviors by asking "why are they acting out?" By that we can try and get to the root of the problem and address that instead just training them how to act (i imagine the same thing goes for parenting). when i first heard of this in a class i took in college it blew my mind. "you mean there is a deeper issue than the kid just wanting to kick his sister?" i know this may sound elementary but my eyes were totally opened. It's a heart issue. if we address just the behavior, the problem is still very much alive, just hiding under a bandaid. we are just modifying the behavior and while doing so telling the kid "it's okay to be angry at your sister all the time, just dont kick her." that's not what we want.

now the part that i have been thinking about/being convicted of since my last post is not the heart issue behind that bad stuff i do, but the good stuff. the things that make me look good or feel good. like, reading my bible, going to church, not watching this show or that movie, praying, the list goes on. unfortunately my reasons behind doing these things is not always to be living in my abundant life, that is Christ. sometimes the reasons are: i know i should read, i don't want ______ to know that i watch this movie or say that word, i'm supposed to do this or that, etc. i am a victim of my own training! i have modified my behavior without checking the heart of the issue. how horribly sad. not just for me but even more so for my Father. now i dont want to say that i'm like this all the time. a lot of the time i read b/c i know i should and as soon as i open my bible i feel a tsunami of comfort and truth coming my way. perhaps you have felt the same thing? it is my hope and prayer that my heart would be completely set on honoring my Lord and yearing to be closer to Him and that is the only reason for doing the things i do. however, i can't just make myself want something or yearn for something.
Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." it doesn't start with doing, it starts with something so much deeper. how do we renew our mind and heart? by filling it with Him. spend time with Him, talking with Him, reading, being outside in His nature, list His qualities, list His names.
psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." when He is what im filling myself with, He will be my delight. and heck, we need to be asking Him for these things!

So right now i'm working on the heart of the issue. why i do or don't do things. why do i run to others? why do i measure myself with those around me? why are my eyes doing a constant shifting gaze instead of staring at Him and Him alone?

let's take a week. a week of purposeful pursuit of Him. spending time in His word, with His people, in His presence. ready go.

more pictures.....

RIP Chuck :(

some stuff

since i'm being really lame when it comes to updating my blog with actual thoughts, here are some pictures :)

not a real post...

dang i need to post. i will soon!!!! an update of the summer, what i'm learning, and new changes in this years plan!

brb.... :)

update update update

well well well ladies and gents. it has been a month since my last post.... i've been busy! my time here at mount hermon has been amazing! God is teaching me so much and blessing me with new relationships! the more people i meet the more i see a creative God who is so intentional with the diversity he puts in his children! the different strengths, weaknesses, passions, and even humors in the body of Christ are God given. No two believers look the same and i am always being reminded of that here! and the best part of all is my awesome staff. i have been blessed to work with an amazing group of people who are not only fun to be around but love the Lord deeply! here are some of those people...


















here is courtney, booth, and sarah. courtney is a co-highschool counselor with me. she is freakin awesome and i am SO thankful for her and her thug dance moves. and for making me laugh when im dead tired in the middle of sessions. and for stealing coffee in the mornings... and so many more reasons!
bethie boo boo..... well i get to live with her. enough said. and no she doesn't smell that bad :)
sarah (java) is the jr. high director and so good at her job. she is awesome!


















calbootsiebear is reading to the little pumpkin heads in tahoe. she looks a little confused probably because she is realizing elijah (the kid on the end) doesn't stop talking when asked. i was a little confused too then i got used to it. it was an interesting week!



















mike edel, matt sonke, and jon brazell. band leader, counselor extrodinare, comedian/bass player


















corbin hates being touched.... especially by matt.


















mikaela... aka skittles. our mvp! she is so good at her job and such a blessing!























Joshie poo, Beth's partner in crime. He loves morning time.























the youth director Keegan. he's kinda in charge of us. and very photogenic.























im not sure what is going on here. perhaps telling a secret? who knows...

i'm missing a picture of beans and little kev. but you don't know who they are so thats okay! :)


















and this picture represents sarah robey and our second date. she isn't on my staff but she is worht mentioning because i love this woman and discussing the Lord with her! yeahhhhhh!!!!

thats all for now.
grace and peace!

aaaaand we're back.

well. its all over. eeevvverryyytthhinngggg. over! my 21 units, college, interning, the church, my life at my parents house, the wedding, over! and now i sit in mount hermon, my new home for the next 2 and a half months, with nothing to do! its so wonderful yet makes me nervous all at the same time. i am nervous that i will not make the most of my free time. this past semester i have had little time to do things i claim i wanted to do and now that i have the time, what if i still don't do them? what if i still procrastenate and waste time on stupid things? what if i still put off reading to talk to friends, or run errands, etc? i pray pray pray that that is not true (what a funny looking sentence!). deep down i know that my desire to spend quality time with the Lord outweighs my desire to do other things, but i fear the power of my flesh!

readers (all 5 of you): please ask me what i'm reading! thank you :)

a couple important people have asked me in the recent weeks what i have learned this semester. and after thinking about it for a while i think i can sum it up to a couple of things.
1. i am in need of regular accountability and small group studying! i had a number of people in my life this semester to read with, pray with, and share with, but i missed having a weekly meeting to go through a study. i thrive on schedules and knowing i need to have this or that chapter read so i can discuss and learn with other people!
2. the need of the Word. if i'm not filling my mind with His Word, i won't be thinking of it, won't be speaking it, and won't be living it as well! by thinking of the Word, i am in communication with the Lord. and the opposite is also true. if i want Him to be filling the thoughts of my day, i have to fill my mind with Him!
3. He wants to spend time with me. He doesn't get frustrated and pout and make me take a time out from him. He demands my everything because he loves me, delights in me, and truly wants the best for me. and the best thing for me is Him. His glory, His character, His words. Him alone. so when i ignore Him and put other things above Him, of course i'm going to feel it and feel emptiness! he designed it that way so we would miss Him and come back to Him. what a good Shepherd that gently draws back his sheep.

okay on a different note i am SO looking forward to the reading i want to do this summer. I have a list of books i want to start (and hopefully finish haha) and the first on the list is Living the Cross-Centered Life by: CJ Mahaney (perhaps a life group study? :)). the intro alone hit me in the face. in this short chapter he simply states the neccessity of the gospel being the center of our lives. when asking the reader (me) what the passion of our lives is he says, "maybe your life's passion is not so much a single focus as a constantly shifting gaze." whoa. hoe true that is! how often have i been shifting my focus to and from school, relationships, summer, my future, Christ, my brother, etc! and sometimes the gospel is replaced by "relatively peripheral insights that take on far too much weight." so true!

and here are some recent pics i've played around with!




















I know these are small... sorry!


























okay this is long enough. ill write more another day. :)

reporting live from coffee cat in scotts valley, this is sarah signing off. peace!