5 months ago (today) I packed up everything I own and moved from my lifelong home town to a place where I knew 2 people. I had bittersweet excitement as I was embarking on this new journey. I had big dreams of who I was going to be in this new town, the struggles I was going to leave behind in Fresno, and the instance best friends I would make upon arrival. Now that I have been here for a semester, I can see that the Lord had different intentions for moving me down here. I've learned things I didn't expect to learn, struggled in ways I thought I was over, and felt God's guidance more than I expected.
People. The people here are completely wonderful. The other CBU staff members I get to work with are committed followers of Jesus, passionate about students, and… hilarious. If you know me you know that that is big for me to admit (being the I'm an aspiring comedian). However, there is something you can't just create in a group of people… the feeling of being known. Yes, these people are wonderful, but I would say up until recently, they did not know me. Unfortunately, I found that this feeling of people being on the outside was oddly familiar. I learned through this feeling of "loneliness in a crowd" that it was a feeling I had my last year and a half in Fresno that I could never quite put my finger on. The walls that I put up in Fresno and carried with me to my new life were a glaring hurdle in my desire to be known by these new, fantastic people. This led me to a lesson in…
Intimacy. What a weird word. A weird powerful word. I looked up synonyms for the word "intimate" and some were: close, dear, cherished, familiar, devoted, and more. What a beautiful thing we get to have with people! Platonic or romantic, family or friend. However, there is always risk in these deep relationships with sinful people as both parties have the capability to hurt the other or themselves in the process. In my adult life I've experienced the beautiful, worshipful intention of God-intended intimacy. I also (as probably most people do) carry with me scars from hurt. Through a few events since college, my heart had been hurt and I rewired my brain (subconsciously) to believe the lie that I could be self-sufficient and not need people. Because if I don't need people, then I can sit on my pride, help others when needed, but never really give pieces of myself. I could not see how my past hurts affected me, until I got here. Take deep wounds and add them to an underlying struggle with pride and you've got yourself a hot mess. Through counseling and a few key friends here and in Fresno, God is graciously showing me how to break down walls and let myself feel known by others. It's scary, but I'm learning. Allowing God to rewire my brain and accept the fact that desire for intimacy is not wrong, it's a God-given and God-glorifying thing.
This is just one of the many reasons I believe God brought me down here.
There is definitely more to come :)
