big

i remember watching Big when I was 7(ish) years old and loving that movie. I loved the idea of growing up and having a real job, with a real apartment, and have real adult friends. i was that little kid who loved to pretend she was her mom (i have the pictures to prove it) and thought a fun game was "grocery store" and "house" when I made my dad be the landlord and send me bills in my cardboard mailbox. well the other day I had "big" moment. i was talking to a parent and I said, "when I'm an adult..." and she interrupted me to remind me i am an adult. then i thought about it. for the next 2 days. "holy cow. when i was younger I though 23 was so old. now here i am!" since when do i pay car insurance, health insurance, do taxes, make decisions, and get masters degrees? the rebellious side of me says "why the heck do you get to say when i get to take a vacation? i work when i wanna work lady!" then i remember, that i'm not a kid, i'm an adult. i dont get to play by my rules anymore.

when i was a freshman at masters there was a girl named bethany that past away in a car accident. everyone loved her. they had a huge memorial service and it truly shook the student body who knew her. when they described her they talked about her absolute love for God's Word, how it was always on her lips and lived out in her actions. she had joy that was so obviously from her delight in her Father. i told myself that day in september of 2005 that I wanted to be like her "when i grow up." well I feel like that day is here. am i the person i want to be? i regret to say that I'm not the person i had hoped to be by the age of 23. don't get me wrong, the Lord has grown me and taught me immeasurable things in the past 5 years. i have learned and seen sides of Him I had no idea existed and have been blessed by amazing people. but i can't help to think of the vision of who i want to be in 20 years. what am i doing about it now to get there? i forget that the decisions i'm making now will affect me the rest of my life, that the habits i'm forming now have the potential to stay with me forever. I know it is the Lord that has brought these thoughts and concerns to my mind. i want to live a life on complete intentionality. for Him and for others. i pray that He will continue to prune me that I may love Him and others better. Maybe one day I'll feel like I have this grown up thing figured out. until then, i'll just keep pretending :) just like tom hanks.