make me fruitful by living in Jesus' love...

Eucharisteo

2012-01-25T21:31:00.000-08:00

I've been reading through Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts." It has completely transformed the way I view things. I'm learning to have grace-filled, joy-bearing gratitude that affects my entire person. Eucharisteo in Greek. I'm learning to name the gift aloud, bringing glory to the Giver in that very moment. I'm learning to see all things as gifts and graces, despite whether I am comfortable or not. Anything that points us to His face is a gift. Therefore, all things are gifts if we allow them to be. I pray we will not pick and choose what to be grateful for, but we will see all things given to us as graces from the One who desires to show us Himself, in whatever way He deems worthy.

I've began the challenge of naming 1000 things given by the Lord. This in and of itself is a gift because it has caused to me to sit and think hard about the things He has allowed in my life. Some are serious and some are silly. If you would like to take a look, feel free :). Click on the tab at the top of this page.

Hello, my name is ______

2011-12-05T14:37:00.001-08:00

The Spiritual Formation team has the privilege every Tuesday of speaking to the Residency class. We have slowly been walking through The Anatomy of a Disciple and the past couple weeks we have been talking about being morally discerning. Of course my black and white, rule-loving brain thought, “Great! We can talk about making good decisions for the sake of Christ when it comes to alcohol and rated R movies!” And while those topics are worth having conversations about, they are not the primary issues when it comes to moral discernment. In order to make good decisions for the sake of Christ, we need to know who we are in Christ.

How do you view yourself? How do you think God views you?

Too often I find myself with the mindset of someone who is trying to attain Christ’s righteousness. My own righteousness is the carrot that is dangled in front of me. I often feel like if I work hard enough I will be able to grab it. I feel like a sinner who is daily putting on Christ like clothes. I put on Jesus like a jacket to cover up who I am. I eventually get uncomfortable and take the jacket off. Guilt then sets in as I realize about who I am and that I can never do enough to earn God’s favor. This gets exhausting and isn’t how God intended it. The truth of the matter is, we aren’t sinners trying to put on Christ’s righteousness. We haven’t just been given His righteousness to put on; we have been given a new identity! We no longer identify with the sinful people that we once were. God sees Christ’s righteousness when he looks at us. What a beautiful thing!

Do you believe that? Or do you think God sees you as someone who needs to do better, someone who has failed yet again at your morning devotionals, gossip, lust etc.? Yes, God wants our obedience and self-discipline, but when he looks at us he sees His son’s perfection. Not because we put it on really well that day, but because it is our identity now.

It is true that without Christ, we are desperate sinners, incapable of pleasing God. But once we have seen our sin in the light of God’s holiness, humbly submitted to Christ, we are new creations (2 Cor. 5:17). Our self-seeking identity is put to death and we now live in Christ’s righteousness. Therefore, the process of spiritual formation happens when we “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles” and rest in our identity that is found in the perfect life of Christ.

Realizing this makes moral decision-making so much easier. I am not making decisions as a sinner trying to attain Christ’s perfection; I’m making decisions as a perfect person taking off my flesh and walking in close relationship to Christ. We don’t have to use a rule-based filter, but rather one that asks, “Since Christ dwells in me, will this decision be beneficial to me or enslave me? Am I doing this for myself or for others?” Understanding our true identity and acting from that is a much stronger motivator than guilt!

I’m so thankful for a relationship with the Father that I know is secure in what Christ did, not my own efforts. Let’s find our joy in that today!

2011-11-16T22:30:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday was my 25th birthday. I started a blog post a couple months back talking about turning about turning 25 and the title of it was "Stop this Train." However, I never posted it. I didn't post it because it was, in short, me explaining the fears that come from getting older, why/how I'm going to overcome those fears, and then I tied the whole thing with a spiritual bow at the end.

Well the Lord changed my mindset a bit. Instead of sharing why getting older is weird, I want to share what I'm thankful for! My 24th year was a monumental one. My year was filled with a lot of me saying, "I think (insert hard situation here) is going to kill me", "Oh that's what the Lord meant by that," and "Seriously, did I just do that?"

So here are 25 things that I'm thankful for from the last year. This is kind of a cheesy list but hey... it's my birthday. And I can be cheesy if I want to.

I'm thankful for...
25. Monopoly Deal. Yes this in on my list. I love games, especially ones that bring people together for hours and hours around Starbucks tables. Many Friday nights were happily given to this game.
24. God's sovereignty in Ben's accident. Watching the Lord do miracles with Ben, saving his life, was one of the most awe inspiring situations I've ever been a part of. I'm so thankful that I was able to be with this family and watch them rely on the Lord together and even find the ability to laugh in such a horrific time.
23. Seeing the consequences of sin when we don't nip sin in the bud quickly!
22. Parenthood. I've learned a lot about what not to do when I have kids one day!
21. Learning as believers, our identity is in Christ (not in other people). We don't need to make sure everyone happy, read into weird looks, or be offended by people because we are defined and secure in Christ and our relationship with him. I've learned this lesson (and will continue learning it) the hard way for years and I'm thankful he has never stopped teaching me!
20. Learning how to love people healthily. It's not always healthy to be the people pleaser. Some times that's the most unloving thing we can do! Truly loving someone is pushing them to see Christ better. Sometimes that means an encouraging note, a hard conversation, or saying yes to some things and no others. Another lesson I'm thankful for.
19. Going Israel. This was the most incredible experience I have ever had in my entire life. I was terrified to go (and almost positive I was going to die) but I am SO glad the Lord took me there. I'll be thankful for this trip for the rest of my life.
18. My diabetes group. There is just something fulfilling about comparing crazy low-blood sugar stories and laughing about insulin pumps. That sounds so incredibly nerdy...
17. Heartache that led to me finding out who the Lord has designed me to be (see Acts 20:24).
16. Discovering @BadBanana. Funniest man on Twitter. If I could retweet everything he said without being crazy, I would! Laughing is most definitely my favorite sport.
15. Dating experiences. So much learning this year in that department. So much laughter. So many good memories. I'm so thankful for these experiences.
14. I'm thankful that I'm in the midst of learning that I can be dramatic... Ate a big piece of humble pie with that one. Working on my exaggerations of situations. and thinking my world is going to end.
13. Living with Ashley, Ashley, and Jayne. so grateful that the Lord has blessed me with such amazing women to do life with! Dance breaks, karaoke nights, and far too much cookie dough.
12. The Well staff. The Lord has used my bosses and my team to sharpen and convict me. I'm better because of Jerrod, Melissa, and Greg!
11. Running a half marathon. I survived it. And then I hate $7 of YoDiggity afterwards. No shame.
10. Meeting CJ Mahaney. A hero of the faith.
9. Learning to see myself as a saint not a sinner. This knowledge allows me to obey out of my identity in Christ, not my efforts. He sees Christ's perfection, not my sin. How amazing!
8. Discovering the musical love of Kari Jobe.
7. Counseling. I could write a book about my counseling experience. I'll spare you. Just know that I'm a different person and I now have a far healthier relationship with others because of it.
6. Weddings. There were 11 weddings I got to watch this year and I loved all of them. So much dancing. So much cake. Zero complaining form this girl.
5. The Lord restoring relationships. Healed relationships this year has been one of the most real examples of grace I've ever seen and known. He has shown me his love and grace for me through these friendships.
4. Kickboxing. Gosh I just love it.
3. The Gospel Coalition. Chicago, deep dish pizza, phenomenal speakers, seeing Jesus Christ in the old testament, and Jayne. Could it get any better??
2. Yo, Vikings. There are few things in this world that get me more "in my element" than performing. I'm so glad I got to do this!
1. Cottage cheese and pineapple. That pretty much sums up my entire year.

Here is to living my mid-twenties for the Lord. Cheers!

the One

2011-09-18T17:56:00.001-07:00

I'm really good at starting things. I get excited, I buy all the necessary supplies, I get the gear I need, feel completely pumped up and then, in 2 weeks, my excitement and motivation slowly starts running out. I get this way with home projects, exercise routines, heck I even convinced myself I was going to learn Russian once (I can greet you in Russian. Then I'm useless). I wish I wasn't like this but I know I'm not alone. There are many other people like me who start well but don't finish well (if they finish at all).

If we aren't careful, this bad habit can bleed into our spiritual lives. We can start reading a book, hear a sermon, or jump into a new vision, such as The Anatomy of a Disciple and the "One", get on board and then quickly run out of steam, going back to our old way of life and thinking. How do we counter act this? How do we elicit real life change and not just try an "add on" to our life, quickly disposing of it as soon as the excitement runs out?

I am convinced that true life change cannot happen outside of consistent and regular personal time with the Lord in front of His throne and His word. That is where we can take the truths from that book or sermon and truly digest it in the ways that God wants it to be applied in our lives. And more than that, He is our Father, Creator, and Master, deserving of our time, affections, and our whole selves. Without time with Him, we are trying to create change on our own, and failing. Our personal times with him allow us to be encouraged and convicted by his Holy Spirit, which causes us to trust him more, become more dependent on him, and in turn allow us to love others better. If our cup is not filled with the love Christ, then what we are producing is merely our own efforts and will power. Not only do our own efforts run out, they do not point back to Christ.

Many times I don't even realize that I'm running on my own fuel. Until I run out and I get frustrated. That's when I realize I haven't spent quality time with my Father in weeks. No wonder I'm struggling! I'm not including the one person who I'm doing this for. CH Spurgeon has said, "Many hours are spent with men, how many with your Maker?"

So as we are now focusing on the "One" let's remember and not neglect the one relationship that fuels all change in our lives and in the lives of those we are ministering to. Our relationship with the One who conquered it all so we could be his disciples, Jesus Christ.

waves

2011-09-13T08:29:00.000-07:00

“By faith we will slip our cable for another day’s cruise, and sail forth with Jesus into a sea of tribulation. Winds and waves will not spare us, but they all obey Him; and, therefore, whatever squalls may occur without, faith shall feel a blessed calm within. He is ever in the centre of the weather-beaten company: let us rejoice in Him. His vessel has reached the haven, and so shall ours.” ~Charles Spurgeon

he has conquered our trials today. let's rest the fact the waves that we feel are overtaking us are the waves that bow down to our God. we are so undeserving of Him yet he pours his grace, love, and protection on us. i'm thankful for that today.

tune up

2011-08-25T21:50:00.000-07:00

i know i haven't blogged in a while. i wish i could accurately portray what i've been thinking through the past month or so. here is an attempt...

i turn 25 in 2 months. i can't stop thinking, "am i old enough to be 25? shouldn't i still 21?" maybe you can relate to that. the verse that is tapping at the conscious of my mind as i think through the past year and the year that is to come is Acts 20:24...

"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."

it's so easy to forget our mission here as disciples of Christ. we (i) am easily distracted by work, friends, futures, facebook, TV, conflict, etc. i get caught up in what i want to be, where i want to be, who i want to be. when i should be intentionally seeking out who Christ wants me to be. am i displaying grace today? am i spending time with Jesus today? have i delighted in His words today? am i staying true to my convictions even when it's uncomfortable? am i living by the law or by freedom today? am i speaking truth today?

a lot of these thoughts have also been brought about because i'm reading Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. he starts the book of with a poem,

"one life 'twill soon be past; only what's done for Christ will last."

how true and convicting are those words? we only have one life here to live. why do we waste time on anything that isn't pleasing to God? may we never forget our purpose on this earth: to know Christ deeply and point others to him.

a thought from the holy land...

2011-07-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

I’m not great at conflict. I’m often the one who will avoid a subject to avoid hurt feelings. If I feel I’ve wronged someone I don’t exactly seek them out in a room. I may seem like I’m unaffected by what ever the issue is at hand, but internally, I’m a mess. This, unfortunately, is not only truly in my earthly relationships but can be true in my relationship with God. I also don’t understand grace. And yes these two things are very related.

I just returned home from trip to Israel. We saw some of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen and done some things that I never imagined myself doing. We walked where Jesus walked, wandered where the Israelites wandered, and stood in awe of the cross where Jesus was killed. My life will forever be changed by the things I saw and experienced in my time in God’s chosen land. Yet when I think about one of the most impactful lessons I took home from my 10 days there, it doesn’t have anything to do with the sights or land. It has to do with a story I have read 100 times but for some reason, in hearing it for time 101, God allowed me to hear it all new ears.

We’ve all heard about Peter. Peter is the one who acts before he speaks, shoots before he aims, and makes it far too easy for us to relate to him. For much of my life I have felt like I am too much like Peter, a little too impulsive and little too emotionally led.

In the final chapters of the gospel of John, the author recaptures the events prior to and right after the death of Jesus. We read that Peter denies Christ three times, even found cursing in his final denial. I can’t even fathom the guilt, shame, utter hatred Peter must have felt for himself after he heard the words come out of his mouth and the rooster crow. Not moments later does Jesus go straight to his horrendous death. Peter must have been replaying in his mind the sin he just committed, the sorrow he just caused his friend, knowing that was the last encounter he had with him. There is a pit in my stomach just imagining it. Unfortunately, I have felt similar feelings in my heart and stomach.

After 3 days of sitting on what he has done, Peter attempts to go back to normal life. He goes back to what he knows, fishing on the water. By this time Jesus has returned to life and is walking around Galilee. He sees his disciples on the water struggling to catch some fish. Jesus yells out to them and after a bit, John realizes who this stranger is. As soon as John exclaims that it is the Lord, Peter immediately jumps in the water and swims to him. Putting myself in Peter’s shoes I can only imagine the relief that must have swept over his body. He thought he would have to live in the guilt and shame of his sin forever, but no! Jesus is alive! I have felt that desperation many times. Dying to see in the eyes of the person I’ve wronged that we are okay, that they haven’t given up on me. That feeling makes me a little emotional even now!

If I were Peter, would I have swam to Jesus? Or would I have hid at the bottom of the boat, knowing that I had wronged my Rabbi in the deepest of ways? Unfortunately I probably would have done the latter, backing away slowly, avoiding eye contact. By Peter running to the one he wronged, he shows he truly knows grace. He truly knows (in his head and his heart) that Christ’s love for Peter is not dependent on what he does or doesn’t do. Now if I truly believed that, I wouldn’t hide in a corner when I know I’ve disappointed God. I should be able to approach God with sorrow over my sin, knowing that discipline may be coming, but never in the form of anger or withholding love. That is not in God’s character. Peter got that.

Do we as a church truly understand that? Do we treat those in our church with the same grace? Do we love despite what others do? Do I believe that God loves me despite my flesh that wins far too often? Do I love others from these eyes of grace or eyes of expectation? For the first time in Peter’s life thus far, I think there is something we can hope to identify with.

amen!

2011-04-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

"Oh to behold the Glory of Christ! Here in would I live, Here in would I die, here on would I dwell in my thoughts and my affections until all things here below become as dead and deformed things, and in no longer, any way, calling out for my affections."

John Owen

contractions

2011-02-20T22:29:00.000-08:00

"sarah i feel like you have been in a 2 year gestation period and you are about to give birth!" - yvonne downs.

as bizarre as that may sound, i agree with her. God is moving in me and challenging me to rethink everything. i can't wait to see what that will mean for me.

this is what happens when you pray for the lord to teach you how to walk by the spirit's leading alone. he starts leading! now i just need to courage to walk forward.

He is for us. He is on our side.

to be continued...

shmegalism

2011-01-28T15:55:00.000-08:00

The strictest adherence to the law is never legalism, if your motive is right.

- Don Whitney

I love this quote.

Sometimes I notice myself smudging the lines of things I know are black and white in order to not fall into "legalism." When in reality, it's an excuse to not follow a principle that is difficult to follow in that moment. Or maybe it will make me look a certain way in front of people. Or I think, "Oh my motive in following that rule is to impress (insert important person) so I better do what I want because I don't want to do anything out of pride." Who am I trying to fool? Why don't we just put our hearts in the right place, then do what we know God has asked of us? Isn't that the power of grace? Titus 2:11-14 says,

"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."

Let's just see how powerful this grace can be.

morph

2011-01-17T16:18:00.000-08:00

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

i've lately been so encouraged that He truly is faithful to prune me and grow me in the ways He sees fit. i'm so incredibly grateful that my position in Him has nothing to do with my successful (or unsuccessful) efforts. he will grow me and shape me despite my weaknesses and faults!

i look back at 2010 and that's all i can see. failed attempts on my part to do good, and God picking me and up and either pruning me in that area, or encouraging me to keep going.

i had a long post written about last year but in short, my low was my sin, and my high was my great Savior. whom i did not appreciate or love as much as i did prior to last year. he is far more than i ever could deserve and i'm thankful for my relationship with him that i did nothing to earn!

maybe one day i'll write a post that isn't serious. i can write about... clothes or something. people blog about clothes right? i'll work on that.

Amnesia

2010-12-15T09:21:00.000-08:00

2 Peter 1:5, 9

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge... But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.

I'm reading a book called "Because He Loves Me: How Christ Transforms Our Daily Life." Now I realize the title can seem cheesy or flowery but the content of this book as anything but that. The author (Elyse Fizpatrick. obviously...) addresses an issue she refers to as Identity Amnesia. It's seen when we so quickly forget who and what we are in Christ. We can go to a service, hear a great sermon, then go home and begin complaining about a friend, become upset that we weren't invited to that party, acting as if we had never attended church at all. How can we so quickly forget everything we were just reminded of just hours before? If you are life me, then you know what I'm talking about!

How do we fall into this? We forget to focus on how Christ has changed our identity to be His, and by focusing on external behaviors. When we are internally changed, outward behavior changes as well but, "Without the recognition of this prior and ongoing work of love, we won't have the courage or power to fight the sin in the way He is calling us to." We neglect our remaking and molding of our inner person and depend on our determination to change, when in fact it is from our inner person that true, genuine change occurs. When we focus so heavily on our self-discipline, communication, responses (or whatever issue you are dealing with) we forget our identity, where true change comes from.

What are we filling our mind with? We may go to church for an hour, or have one great conversation then what we learned quickly disappears because we fill our mind with hours of worldly television, music, movies, or conversation. No wonder truth gets drowned out! "We're staggering around under the misconception that we really do need to love, accept, and respect ourselves to make it through the day." In reality, we are fueled by the love of God and we accept ourselves because of our ultimate acceptance by God!

This is getting long. you get idea :) let's not forget who we are first. Outward behavior second.

my 24th year

2010-11-17T13:15:00.001-08:00

my birthday was last saturday and let me say, it was one of the best! people i love, good food, shopping, a pedicure. I made many decisions regarding my 24 year and one of them is to take a picture a day! and what better place to share them than right here. Let's begin!

Nov. 13 - Ticket to Ride!

Nov. 14 - the best part about birthdays...

Nov. 15 - Hanging out with Mrs. MacAlpine

Nov. 16 - My lifegroup is cooler than yours.

Nov. 17 - Pretty Pretty Princess with the Bachmans!

And that's about it. Thanks for tuning in!

neglect.

2010-10-17T20:24:00.000-07:00

What I've been convicted with lately...

"I tend to focus my though on my Christianity -- how I'm doing, what I'm learning, how my prayer time was today, how I avoided that pesky sin or fell into it again. I think about what I'm supposed to accomplish for Christ, and I interact with others on the same works-oriented ground. But this day isn't about me at all. It's about Him: His sinless life, death, resurrection, ascension, and reign and the promise of His return. It's the gravity of His life that should attract my thought towards Him." Elyse Fitzpatrick from Comforts from the Cross

Your life can been filled with good things revolving around Christ, but if your being is not filled with the person of Christ alone, what is it all for? Isn't our goal in this life to be more like Christ so He can be made known? Somehow I make it about me. Gross.

El Roi

2010-08-26T21:13:00.000-07:00

So I haven't done this blog thing in quite a while. So what is causing me to do it now? I have no idea. Just that I feel like I've learned a great deal of things in the past 6 months and perhaps I should write them down?

I believe the last time I wrote was April. So let's start there. I was reading the Pursuit of Holiness then, and here I am now, still (kind of) reading it. I have no ability to finish books and I'm okay with that. I'm still at my job and I've learned that at around month 10 of every job I've had, I'm ready to move on. So here I am, at month 10, ready to move on. But I'm sticking with it. The Lord has given me a spirit that loves change and I think He may want to challenge my ability to commit and stick with it. So whether I'm being spit on, scratched, or hugged, I shall continue, as unto Christ. I know that sounds cheesy but it's true! I am living with 2 fantastic girls that I'm learning more about all the time and we are getting along great!

In the past 6 months I've learned about so many of my weaknesses. I've learned that I try to please men, I'm dependent on affirmation, and I need major priority checks (to name a few). I lived with the Downs family this summer (by the grace of God!) and I thought my summer was going to be all good feelings, Jesus loves me's, and giggles but the Lord had other plans. He used the month I was there to show me of my need for Him. Not men, words, or "good jobs" but just Him. I learned I look outward far too often, blaming, excusing, and justifying my actions, when I should be looking inward, at my heart that is in need of change! He has so much He wants to work out in me if only I would stop and examine myself.

I have also spent a lot of time with Godly women in my life that encourage me, laugh with me, and slap me when I need it. I wouldn't trade a second of it!

All in all I'm so grateful for a God who is never done molding me, a God who gives grace and power to people like me, and a God who is El Roi, the God who sees. He sees where I'm at, my imperfections, my failed attempts and does not passively watch, but actively provides for, smiles upon, disciplines, and walks with me. Hallelujiah!

yucky.

2010-04-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

this is nothing to do with anything i'm learning or reading but i just wanted to say that today i have had a starbucks white mocha double shot, a hot dog and cheetos, a bacon ranch tortada, home made nachos, 4 double stuffed oreos, a handful of peanut butter m&ms, and some frozen yogurt.

i'm pretty sure after I read the chapter in "the pursuit of holiness" about my bodily health i won't want to eat that crap anymore. so i might as well get it in before i get all convicted and stuff right?? ;)

in all seriousness i am PRAYING that i become convicted in the area of my eating/exercise habits. i want to honor God in all areas!!

that's all for now. i'll write a real post this week. promise :).

big

2010-01-26T21:57:00.000-08:00

i remember watching Big when I was 7(ish) years old and loving that movie. I loved the idea of growing up and having a real job, with a real apartment, and have real adult friends. i was that little kid who loved to pretend she was her mom (i have the pictures to prove it) and thought a fun game was "grocery store" and "house" when I made my dad be the landlord and send me bills in my cardboard mailbox. well the other day I had "big" moment. i was talking to a parent and I said, "when I'm an adult..." and she interrupted me to remind me i am an adult. then i thought about it. for the next 2 days. "holy cow. when i was younger I though 23 was so old. now here i am!" since when do i pay car insurance, health insurance, do taxes, make decisions, and get masters degrees? the rebellious side of me says "why the heck do you get to say when i get to take a vacation? i work when i wanna work lady!" then i remember, that i'm not a kid, i'm an adult. i dont get to play by my rules anymore.

when i was a freshman at masters there was a girl named bethany that past away in a car accident. everyone loved her. they had a huge memorial service and it truly shook the student body who knew her. when they described her they talked about her absolute love for God's Word, how it was always on her lips and lived out in her actions. she had joy that was so obviously from her delight in her Father. i told myself that day in september of 2005 that I wanted to be like her "when i grow up." well I feel like that day is here. am i the person i want to be? i regret to say that I'm not the person i had hoped to be by the age of 23. don't get me wrong, the Lord has grown me and taught me immeasurable things in the past 5 years. i have learned and seen sides of Him I had no idea existed and have been blessed by amazing people. but i can't help to think of the vision of who i want to be in 20 years. what am i doing about it now to get there? i forget that the decisions i'm making now will affect me the rest of my life, that the habits i'm forming now have the potential to stay with me forever. I know it is the Lord that has brought these thoughts and concerns to my mind. i want to live a life on complete intentionality. for Him and for others. i pray that He will continue to prune me that I may love Him and others better. Maybe one day I'll feel like I have this grown up thing figured out. until then, i'll just keep pretending :) just like tom hanks.

behavior modification

2009-11-18T09:29:00.000-08:00

okay fine. i'll blog :)

turns out i've not written a decent blog since june (yikes!). i'll just to an adequate update while keeping it somewhat brief.

im not pursuing grad school at CSUF anymore. i'm working as a therapist to kids with autism. i'm living with 4 of my closests friends. i'm going to the well. is that good enough? :)

so being a child development major and now working with a bunch of behaviorists, i think about people and the reasons we do what we do. at work we analyze our clients misbehaviors by asking "why are they acting out?" By that we can try and get to the root of the problem and address that instead just training them how to act (i imagine the same thing goes for parenting). when i first heard of this in a class i took in college it blew my mind. "you mean there is a deeper issue than the kid just wanting to kick his sister?" i know this may sound elementary but my eyes were totally opened. It's a heart issue. if we address just the behavior, the problem is still very much alive, just hiding under a bandaid. we are just modifying the behavior and while doing so telling the kid "it's okay to be angry at your sister all the time, just dont kick her." that's not what we want.

now the part that i have been thinking about/being convicted of since my last post is not the heart issue behind that bad stuff i do, but the good stuff. the things that make me look good or feel good. like, reading my bible, going to church, not watching this show or that movie, praying, the list goes on. unfortunately my reasons behind doing these things is not always to be living in my abundant life, that is Christ. sometimes the reasons are: i know i should read, i don't want ______ to know that i watch this movie or say that word, i'm supposed to do this or that, etc. i am a victim of my own training! i have modified my behavior without checking the heart of the issue. how horribly sad. not just for me but even more so for my Father. now i dont want to say that i'm like this all the time. a lot of the time i read b/c i know i should and as soon as i open my bible i feel a tsunami of comfort and truth coming my way. perhaps you have felt the same thing? it is my hope and prayer that my heart would be completely set on honoring my Lord and yearing to be closer to Him and that is the only reason for doing the things i do. however, i can't just make myself want something or yearn for something.
Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." it doesn't start with doing, it starts with something so much deeper. how do we renew our mind and heart? by filling it with Him. spend time with Him, talking with Him, reading, being outside in His nature, list His qualities, list His names.
psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." when He is what im filling myself with, He will be my delight. and heck, we need to be asking Him for these things!

So right now i'm working on the heart of the issue. why i do or don't do things. why do i run to others? why do i measure myself with those around me? why are my eyes doing a constant shifting gaze instead of staring at Him and Him alone?

let's take a week. a week of purposeful pursuit of Him. spending time in His word, with His people, in His presence. ready go.

more pictures.....

2009-11-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

RIP Chuck :(

some stuff

2009-11-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

since i'm being really lame when it comes to updating my blog with actual thoughts, here are some pictures :)

not a real post...

2009-08-28T23:37:00.000-07:00

dang i need to post. i will soon!!!! an update of the summer, what i'm learning, and new changes in this years plan!

brb.... :)

update update update

2009-06-29T13:54:00.000-07:00

well well well ladies and gents. it has been a month since my last post.... i've been busy! my time here at mount hermon has been amazing! God is teaching me so much and blessing me with new relationships! the more people i meet the more i see a creative God who is so intentional with the diversity he puts in his children! the different strengths, weaknesses, passions, and even humors in the body of Christ are God given. No two believers look the same and i am always being reminded of that here! and the best part of all is my awesome staff. i have been blessed to work with an amazing group of people who are not only fun to be around but love the Lord deeply! here are some of those people...

here is courtney, booth, and sarah. courtney is a co-highschool counselor with me. she is freakin awesome and i am SO thankful for her and her thug dance moves. and for making me laugh when im dead tired in the middle of sessions. and for stealing coffee in the mornings... and so many more reasons!
bethie boo boo..... well i get to live with her. enough said. and no she doesn't smell that bad :)
sarah (java) is the jr. high director and so good at her job. she is awesome!

calbootsiebear is reading to the little pumpkin heads in tahoe. she looks a little confused probably because she is realizing elijah (the kid on the end) doesn't stop talking when asked. i was a little confused too then i got used to it. it was an interesting week!

mike edel, matt sonke, and jon brazell. band leader, counselor extrodinare, comedian/bass player

corbin hates being touched.... especially by matt.

mikaela... aka skittles. our mvp! she is so good at her job and such a blessing!

Joshie poo, Beth's partner in crime. He loves morning time.

the youth director Keegan. he's kinda in charge of us. and very photogenic.

im not sure what is going on here. perhaps telling a secret? who knows...

i'm missing a picture of beans and little kev. but you don't know who they are so thats okay! :)

and this picture represents sarah robey and our second date. she isn't on my staff but she is worht mentioning because i love this woman and discussing the Lord with her! yeahhhhhh!!!!

thats all for now.
grace and peace!

aaaaand we're back.

2009-06-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

well. its all over. eeevvverryyytthhinngggg. over! my 21 units, college, interning, the church, my life at my parents house, the wedding, over! and now i sit in mount hermon, my new home for the next 2 and a half months, with nothing to do! its so wonderful yet makes me nervous all at the same time. i am nervous that i will not make the most of my free time. this past semester i have had little time to do things i claim i wanted to do and now that i have the time, what if i still don't do them? what if i still procrastenate and waste time on stupid things? what if i still put off reading to talk to friends, or run errands, etc? i pray pray pray that that is not true (what a funny looking sentence!). deep down i know that my desire to spend quality time with the Lord outweighs my desire to do other things, but i fear the power of my flesh!

readers (all 5 of you): please ask me what i'm reading! thank you :)

a couple important people have asked me in the recent weeks what i have learned this semester. and after thinking about it for a while i think i can sum it up to a couple of things.
1. i am in need of regular accountability and small group studying! i had a number of people in my life this semester to read with, pray with, and share with, but i missed having a weekly meeting to go through a study. i thrive on schedules and knowing i need to have this or that chapter read so i can discuss and learn with other people!
2. the need of the Word. if i'm not filling my mind with His Word, i won't be thinking of it, won't be speaking it, and won't be living it as well! by thinking of the Word, i am in communication with the Lord. and the opposite is also true. if i want Him to be filling the thoughts of my day, i have to fill my mind with Him!
3. He wants to spend time with me. He doesn't get frustrated and pout and make me take a time out from him. He demands my everything because he loves me, delights in me, and truly wants the best for me. and the best thing for me is Him. His glory, His character, His words. Him alone. so when i ignore Him and put other things above Him, of course i'm going to feel it and feel emptiness! he designed it that way so we would miss Him and come back to Him. what a good Shepherd that gently draws back his sheep.

okay on a different note i am SO looking forward to the reading i want to do this summer. I have a list of books i want to start (and hopefully finish haha) and the first on the list is Living the Cross-Centered Life by: CJ Mahaney (perhaps a life group study? :)). the intro alone hit me in the face. in this short chapter he simply states the neccessity of the gospel being the center of our lives. when asking the reader (me) what the passion of our lives is he says, "maybe your life's passion is not so much a single focus as a constantly shifting gaze." whoa. hoe true that is! how often have i been shifting my focus to and from school, relationships, summer, my future, Christ, my brother, etc! and sometimes the gospel is replaced by "relatively peripheral insights that take on far too much weight." so true!

and here are some recent pics i've played around with!

I know these are small... sorry!

okay this is long enough. ill write more another day. :)

reporting live from coffee cat in scotts valley, this is sarah signing off. peace!

bunnies?

2009-05-20T23:08:00.000-07:00

they had me at the matching sears shirts.

appetizer

2009-05-17T23:32:00.000-07:00

this is a make-shift post.

im writing a real one for later. some sort of semester wrap up.

in the mean time. God is so good. He is faithful to continue to edify me through people, relationships, situations, etc. I was driving today listening to a sermon in the car and was reminded of the beauty of the simple gospel. we are sinners in need of a Savior. Christ died to not only pardon our sin that we naturally and willingly committed, but so we can also have a deep relationship with him forever. God is intentional with His children. i ignore Him far too often.

i am SO EXCITED for summer. i'm excited to invest, to read, to talk, to grow, and so much more.

more to come! :)

parking lot treaures.

2009-04-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

so i was walking today to my car after class and i found a bible on the ground! It was a small Gideons bible so I picked it up and thought "hey! i can keep this little guy in my car door or something!" i then began to flip through it and i stumbled upon this in the first couple pages...

The Bible contains the mind of God, the state of man, the doom of sinners, and the happiness of believers. Its doctrines are holy, its precepts are binding, its histories are true, and its decisions are immutable. Read it to be wise, believe it to be safe, and practice it to be holy. It contains light to direct you, food to support you, and comfort to cheer you. It is the traveler's map, the pilgrim's staff, the pilot's compass, and soldier's sword, and the Christian's charter. Here Paradise is restored, Heaven is opened, and the gates of hell are closed.
Christ is its grand subject, our good the design, and the glory of God its end. It should fill the memory, rule the heart, and guide the feet. Read it slowly, frequently, and prayerfully. It is a mine of wealth, a paradise of glory, and a river of pleasure. It is given you in life, will be opened at judgment, and be remembered forever. It involved the highest responsibility, will reward the greatest labor, and will condemn all who trifle with its sacred contents.

I'm so glad i found this today!

other blessings lately...
- 3 more weeks of class
- the thought of summer at the herm
- a week with beth
- the most relaxing pedicure i've ever had
- very loving parents (my dad just walked in and said hi :))
- warmer weather
- papers getting finished
- an amazing weekend Selah-ing (thank you yvonne!)
- the reminder that the Lord has blessed me with some amazing friendships that have gone through the test of time!

dang i just looked at that and thought "man i like lists..." achiever much?

Here are some pictures from the weekend!

Mom, all aboard the Selah train

Aren't we cute?

i guess we like her too....

and i completely forgot about my camera the whole weekend so envision these pictures for me k?

Char and I holding hands frolicking on the lawn
(not too far from reality...)

Me and Melody sharing a milkshake
(we are so cute)

Yvonne and I doing cartwheels down the street
(surprising i know)

okay thats all. and im going radio silent for the weekend. goodbye school. hello relaxation!!

cheeeeeese!

2009-04-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

okay here's the deal. i want to be good at photography and this is the best i've got for now! and the majority of you who read my blog have already seen these but pretend this is the first time okay? okay :) and remember i have no idea what i'm doing. just messing around. so be nice. k thanks.

Veronesh, Russia

The Verve, Santa Cruz

Los Banosish

Nonamestan

Nonamestan

Capitol of Nonamestan

eharmony.com

Moscow, Russia

Okay thats all. back to homework!

our duty

2009-03-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

our duty as believers are to...

Honor the Glory of God

Revere the Holiness of God

Admire the Greatness of God

Praise the Power of God

Seek the Truthfulness of God

Esteem the Wisdom of God

Treasure the Beauty of God

Trust the Faithfulness of God

Savor the Goodness of God

Respect the Justice of God

Fear the Wrath of God

Cherish the Grace of God

Prize the Presents of God

Love the Person of God

if we could do this our lives would be less stressful and more joyful. because He is better than life. He is the giver of true peace and joy. let's do this.

tick tick

2009-03-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

perhaps tuesdays shall be blogdays. today i am unfortunately not in nearly as chipper of a mood as i was last week (or the week before). the 21 units is catching up to me and i'm feeling pretty stretched. i want to be doing about a dozen things right now. none of which include writing 3 papers, interviewing grandma, or doing a math assignment. all of them include, but are not limited to, napping, reading, baking, watching a movie, being unemployed, and the like. my semester is over in 64 days and honestly, I dont know if i'm going to make it. if i'm missing for a substancial amount of time check the corner of the grind because my brain probably exploded.

now where is my planner...

tuesday blessings.

2009-03-10T16:36:00.000-07:00

ya know how i know i'm on facebook too much? i keep thinking of what to blog about and the first sentence begins with "sarah is...." like a status. SO LAME.

3 things...

1) distance does not affect the Body. we can still be just as encouraged by one other despite the distance. whether it be los angeles, santa cruz, or mississippi!

2) our adoptions as sons has nothing to do with our efforts (or lack their of) but everything to do the Spirit of God that dwells within us. His love is the true definition of unconditional. it is the only that truly IS unconditional!

3) the word is food. i pray that we will never forget that it is the only thing that will truly fill us!!

purple mountains majesty

2009-03-03T14:17:00.000-08:00

goodness gracious. i feel like this is the first time in a long time i have sat down with my bible open and blogged! the past month has been a hard one. i have not been this busy or stressed in a looooong time, maybe ever! and this has taken a toll on me emotionally (being too sensitive and weirdly emotional), mentally (i am so over school), physically (im tired! but still eating :)), and lastly spiritually. unfortunately my flesh has won when it comes to my free time. i fill my extra minutes with facebook and phone calls instead of being filled with the one thing that will truly fill me. the past week or so i have felt a physical hunger for the word. i am so so thankful that the Lord makes me hungry for it, draws me to it. he could very well let me run around, neglecting it but he doesn't. he knows that is truly the one thing that i need so he pushes me to it! praise God! i have been reminded lately of the blessings and divine power we are given as believers. do we realize this?? we are no longer of this world but are divine beings, children of the Creator, children of a King, THE King. we now have access to the throne of giver of all things, the ordainer and sustainer of all things. i forget this far too often. He is the one who delights in us most, who pursues us most, and who deserves all of my affections and glory. i want to remember this always!

in other news... i applied for grad school. one HUGE stressor that is now taken care of. now it's a waiting/trusting game. they are accepting 10 people into the counseling program. the Lord knows my desire to serve students and my need for health insurance! he will supply the opportunity i need to serve him the exact way He has in mind. whether that be with the music team at the well, mentoring, grad school, who knows!

in romans 1 it says that God reveals himself in creation so all men are without excuse. that being said, there are few times that i am truly thankful for the beauty of fresno but the past couple weeks have been one of those times! the rain makes the air so clear and you can see every mountain top of the sierras. His beauty is breath taking. i cannot help but reflect on not only creativity but His majestic power. how can someone look at the scene of those mountains and say there is no God? it is beyond me! what an amazing King we serve!

packrat.

2009-02-19T21:31:00.000-08:00

so here i an at my parents house. my home for the next 3 months. im sitting in my dads beloved chair that I know I will have to get out of the second he walks through the door. his sanctuary (aka the office) is now decorated with shoes, purses, and pictures of flowers. i have never felt so girlie in my life and i know he is going to regret letting me live here the moment he walks in! also, when and how did i accumulate so much junk?? i have boxes and boxes of useless things that i know i shouldnt throw away but i have no idea what to do with. example: a broadway frame i got in NY with a picture of adam and me. i dont want to throw that away yet i dont want to display it either! the answer? put it on a shelf in the closet. maybe in 6 months when im moving this stuff out ill have the guts to toss it. not today... example two: the box my really nice bible came in. now normal people would throw it away but i dont want to. even as i typing this i feel lame for holding onto it. the answer? give it to char to make something nice.

ya know what im excited about? having a glass of wine with my mom every night while we play oh pshaw. that will be nice. i know i will get sick of this house and my family but i hope to grow closer to my parents and grandparents. besides, there is always a tent in the backyard i can live in! :)

my tuition dollars at work.

2009-02-11T19:31:00.000-08:00

what i have found while not paying attention to in class...

how true indeed....

amata

2009-01-25T21:52:00.000-08:00

it's 10:02 and i'm in bed. with my door closed. with my pjs on. i'm hoping this will become my routine for this next semester. goodbye late nights of hanging out and sleeping in til the crack of noon! it is a bittersweet farewell. while i will miss being lazy and having ultimate freedom, i am looking forward to getting disciplined and starting this new chapter of life. a chapter that includes graduation(!), some great reading, and of course, great fellowship. i know the Lord has some great things in store and i so look forward to the growth this new stage will bring! i pray that He will continue to reveal more of Himself to me and that I will be diligent in seeking Him out.

A friend wrote me a letter 2 years ago and reading it then, i had no idea it would be exactly what i would need today! I will share some of this letter with you
"A teacher pointed something out to me the other day. He said that we are the bride of Christ, yet so often we neglct this. WE FORGET WE ARE HIS BELOVED. That he cares for us deeply and tenderly. He delights in us. So, so often I forget that I am His beloved. Because of this, my relationship with Him becomes professional- this set of words and set of meeting times. What husband would want that? Yet I treat God as if He's satisfied with this. That's where this stationary quote comes in for me- God doesn't care about whatever I give Him if He can't have me: my realness, my non-eloquent verbage, my dull affections a times- He wants those because they are me and He desires to take those things and shape them beautifully. What an incredible God!"

I pray that I will remember to give God all my thought, questions, and concerns with all areas of my life. because He uses all those things to mold me to be more like Christ. which is the goal! we, His children, are the amata, the beloved.

its close to 10:30 now so i'm off to dreamland!

Pipity Piper

2008-12-30T22:42:00.000-08:00

John Piper wrote this and I wanted everyone (all 5 of you) to read it!

Here are some of the reasons you should pray and meditate over biblical truth.

1. Biblical truth saves.

Take heed to yourself and to your doctrine; hold to that, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers. (1 Timothy 4:16)

2. Biblical truth frees from Satan.

You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. (John 8:32)

3. Biblical truth imparts grace and peace.

May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. (2 Peter 1:2)

4. Biblical truth sanctifies.

Sanctify them in the truth; Your Word is truth. (John 17:17)

5. Biblical truth serves love.

It is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment. (Philippians 1:9)

6. Biblical truth protects from error.

Attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God...so that we may no longer be...carried to and fro by every wind of doctrine. (Ephesians 4:13-14)

7. Biblical truth is the hope of heaven.

Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

8. Biblical truth will be resisted by some.

The time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own likings. (2 Timothy 4:3)

9. Biblical truth, rightly handled, is approved by God.

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth. (2 Timothy 2:15)

10. Biblical truth: Continue to grow in it!

Grow in the grace and the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. (2 Peter 3:18)

new theology, new creation, new child. part 2

2008-12-14T21:52:00.000-08:00

It's the fourth session of Resolved conference. A conference put on by Grace Community Church comprised of a couple thousand college students, taking a sip out of a a fire hydrant of solid reformed/baptist preachers dishing out solid truth to a generation that needs it. In the past, C.J. Mahaney's messages have been filled with tears, compassion, and one of the most genuine loves for Christ I have EVER seen. I was looking forward to his message this year expecting nothing less! ...I had no idea what was in store for me.

The theme of this year's conference was "Heaven and Hell." When I saw the title of CJ's message was "Knowing God as Father: The doctrine of Adoption" I felt my stomach sink and knew that what I was about to hear had nothing to do with the conference, and everything to do with a divine conversation with God Himself and His confused daughter.

CJ began his message by reading the text (Galatians 1:1-7) and goes on to describe too many genuine believers he has met that are "uncertain of God's love for them. They are suspicious of God...in light of their sin and the holiness of God they wonder if God really does love them. They tend to think of God as tolerating them, frustrated with them...and perhaps this evening you are one of them...If this is you tonight then it is my prayer that this message will be a defining moment for you and alter your view of God and his love for you." (even as I type and relisten to this message, my eyes are full of tears) At this moment I can say with full assurance of faith, God was there. Next to me. Opening my ears. Holding me. My eyes welled up with tears and I began wondering how on Earth CJ got my journal and why is he reading it in from of everyone. I looked around thinking "wait... I'm not the only one that struggles with this? Does he know that he is preaching this message for me only?" I don't remember taking my eyes off of CJ for the next hour of his message.

I will spare you all of the details of the outline of his message and give you the highlights...

1I mean that the heir, as long as he is a child, is no different from a slave, though he is the owner of everything, 2but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by his father. 3In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles of the world.

Here is the set up. We were slaves to this world. Slaves to sin. Orphans. But we were not the cute, helpless babies that we so often imagine in orphanages, we were covered in the filth of our sin and loved it. We murdered our adopting parent's son. We laughed and spit in his face.

4But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, 5 to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.

CJ then goes to explain Christ's sacrifice on the cross. God crushing his perfect son. It says in Isaiah 53 that he was "pleased to crush him." He did this for me. the orphan who spit in His face. the orphan who was reaching back for the filth I once lived in. God KILLED his son. for me. why?
First, (v.5) Christ came to redeem. His brutal death on the cross allows sinners like us to receive divine grace and gives us eternal life. Now that, in and of itself is sufficiently astounding! That is enough for God's people to praise Him for eternity in glory. BUT HE'S NOT DONE.
Secondly, the second part of verse 5 says Christ came to adopt. A-d-o-p-t. to accept me and love me as a daughter. He did not have to. but He chose to. He has chosen to love me. to delight in me. to be affectionate with me. in this act i went from a slave to a son.
what more could God have done to show me His love? how can I read this and not believe He loves me?

6And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" 7So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God

Notice in these verses he says "you." YOU are now sons, YOU are no longer a slave. in the previous verses he does not talk directly to the reader. it is as if God is kneeling down and making eye contact with the listener. "You are no longer a slave to this world but my daughter, my heir." By the way, God didn't need an heir! He had His son, Christ! He chose to make us heirs and members of His family. Also, my love for God is not a root, but a fruit! My love for him proves His love for me! I would not love Him if He did not first put it there.

Just like in the story of the prodigal son, it says that the father felt it in his gut when he saw his boy coming home. he could have made him a slave and been COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED. but he no. he chose to run to him, kiss him, and celebrate his return. how much more is God's love for me? He crushed his son and is preparing a mansions for us to live in forever. to enjoy him for eternity. to be in the presence of our loving, affectionate Father forever and ever amen.

tragic.

2008-12-12T14:58:00.000-08:00

facebook as ceased to function properly on my laptop at work. WHY?! how else am I supposed to fill 15 hours of working every week if I can't spend a significant amount of them on facebook? Maybe the powers that be caught on and did something.

so instead of staring at the same facebook pages I always do, I chosen to waste my time at work today by revisiting my dear old friend, the rubix cube. i spent an hour on it today before getting to work. then i proceeded to give one of the pastors a lesson on the addicting 80's puzzle. My teaching skills once again proved to be insufficient seeing that he still has no idea what on earth to do with the darn thing.

then one of the secretaries and i engaged in some good bulletin stuffing trash talk. before we raced to stuff 1050 bulletins.

sometimes the amount of excitement in my life amazes me.

the office.

2008-12-10T14:14:00.000-08:00

awkward moments in the workplace:

beginning an email to the senior pastor and unknowingly sending it with only one complete sentence. then getting a very confused response a day later.

sure as the dawn

2008-11-18T23:53:00.000-08:00

ok so this is long over-due i know. first of all, thank you for an amazing birthday! i have no idea how 22 crept up on me but i'm loving it so far! My day included sleeping in, free tepanyaki (thank you beth), lounging around barnes and noble looking at photography books, delicious dinner, and time with friends doing what we do best, being crazy!

can i just say that i have an amazing life for the next couple weeks? in 6 days i first get to spend an evening with my callan and then i'm flying to noman's land of the great south of mississippi to see the most precious family i know.
My girls :)
Maddie Paige age 5

Lauren Elizabeth age 3

Caitlin Grace 8 months

Then im seeing Phantom of the Opera in San fran on Sunday with bethers! a best friend, one of the most amazing musicals of all time, and san fran! who could as for more??

i've also been reading some good stuff in the Word lately. i was blessed to recieve an ESV study bible for my birthday and i love it! I've been reading out of Hosea and am continually blown away by my God's unconditional love for His people.

6:1-3:
"Come, let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, an he will bind us up.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will raise us up, that we may live before him.
Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD; his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth."

There are times where HE tears us and HE strikes us down but never without healing us and bringing us back to himself. and he is as sure as the dawn. he will ALWAYS be waiting. ALWAYS rescue us. the most loving thing our God can do is show us himself and there are times when it takes him tearing us down for us to see Him. what a loving God that we can trust!

6:4-6
What shall I do with you, O Ephraim?
What shall I do with you, O Judah?
Your love is like a morning cloud,
like the dew that goes early away.
Therefore I have hewn them by the prophets;
I have slain them by the words of my mouth,
and my judgment goes forth as the light.
For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice,
the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.

How often is our love for God fickle?! how often do we, like Gomer the prostitute, run to any and every earthly temperary satisfaction? what a good reminder that he disires our steadfast love. not our mindless spiritual checklist.

11:8-9
How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, O Israel?
How can I make you like Admah?
How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart recoils within me;
my compassion grows warm and tender.
I will not execute my burning anger;
I will not again destroy Ephraim;
for I am God and not a man,
the Holy One in your midst,
and I will not come in wrath.

despite our sin and fickle hearts, he still loves us like a father his children, and even more so! it is rare that we hear people describe their relationship with the Lord as warm and tender but that's our father! he desires to protect us and be tender and compassionate with us.

how thankful i am that my God does not act out of anger, but chooses to deal with me gently and compassionately. what an amazing God we serve!

miss plank eye

2008-10-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

so this is probably the 10th post i've started. maybe ill finish this one. maybe ill one day finish the others too! my big lesson in this season of life has been pride and humility. God has used some pretty influential people and authors to show me my sin of pride. a little less than a year ago i began meeting people that didn't act like me or love God like me. in my flesh, my first instinct is to look down on these types of people and make a harsh judgment on their spiritual status, but God gracious decided to use these people to break down my idea of a "cookie cutter" Christian and start showing me what deeply loving Jesus and other people truly looks like.

Christianity is not about calvinism vs. armenianism, having a glass of wine vs. never having a drop, raising hands in worship vs. sitting still. it's about rejoicing in our God. in our hope of salvation. in the victory that happened on the cross. in the BEAUTY of Christ. in finding true joy in times with the Lord. in having our anchor be in the only thing that will never ever change. in fearing our God the judge yet feeling comforted and safe in the arms of God the father. I dont care what you look like, where you go to church, what your beliefs are on controversial issues, if you are doing all of those things, then I praise God for His salvation in you and the work he is doing in your life.

God has created us and wired us SO UNIQUELY. to say we all look the same and experience God in the same way would be an insult to Him! He is so creative in nature, why would that be any different when creating people and their hearts and passions? I pray that God continues to stretch my mind and my thinking, that I grow even more in my deep love for people, and that most importantly, i grow to a deeper love of my creative soveriegn Father whom I praise for not letting me sit in my dirty rubbish of my pride, but would bring me to an even better understanding of Him and His beautiful bride, the church.

blurb

2008-10-04T00:56:00.001-07:00

i can't believe it's october 4 already. it's starting to get cooler and we even had rain tonight. the scent of fresh rain is truly intoxicating. i wanted nothing more than to lay on my bed with one certain candle burning and listen to george winston... like the old days :).

tonight i was completely blessed by sharing the evening with great friends. so much laughter and so much enjoyment. i was reminded that this is one of the many blessings of being a part of the Body of Christ. that was true community. and how often we pollute the body of Christ when we are hanging out! with movies, our topic of conversation, our language, etc. i praise God for blessing me with great people to surround myself with. i do not thank Him enough. i often complain and think of how things should be better and how it's not exactly how i want it. how selfish am i!? i'm a work in progress...

and i know this is no "part 2" to my last post. i'll get there!

boredom

2008-04-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

boredom.

one of my flaws. these past couple years i have learned a tremendous amount about myself. one of the biggest, and probably most important to recognize, i get bored easily. i get bored with my major, my location, my job, my surroundings, etc. so i try to move on the next exciting thing and then it never turns out to be as exciting as i thought it was going to be. so i get bored. so does that mean im going to be disappointed for the rest of my life? i think im trying to find something that will forever entertain me and keep my interest. but im positive there is nothing like that anywhere... unless dane cook or wayne brady moved in. why do i get bored? i wish i could commit to something with no end date in mind. so do i want to leave the church because im bored? or do i genuinely think i shouldnt be there? well spending time with the Lord will answer that im sure. and since this quality isnt a matter of sin its just a character trait, i can say with confidence that God wired me this way for a reason. he wired me to desire change and thrive in changing environments. so now i just need to figure out how He wants me to use that for His kingdom and how i can use it as a tool.

reading time.

4. attempt #3

2008-04-21T16:32:00.001-07:00

sometimes i think im bi-polar. i mean i know im not but my head just seems like it sometimes. the past month has been rough. not sure quite why. i've felt pretty alone and separated from The Lord. i think i figured out what my funk came down to. i haven't felt like i have had worth in God's sight. which in and of myself I know that i have no worth. i'm a sinner. but what about after salvation? am i just one of God's children running around doing my own thing attempting not to mess up my life? or am i actually loved and valued by God? my head knows what the right answer is but is that what i believe and feel? i was thinking about it as i was doing my hair. the 15 minutes of blow drying in the morning is my time of complete solitude. it can be very good (like this particular morning) or really harmful. which in that case i turn on the ipod (which i will have to figure out what to do once beth leaves...). As i was blow drying a remembered someone writing to me once "i am sure that God is proud of the way you have chosen to serve him." i cried when i read that and i almost started crying when i thought of it. Is he? is he proud of me? His child? does He take pleasure in me? or am i just a lowly man who continues to mess up?
i thought about it all day. and that night i just sat with Him. and asked Him to allow me to feel His worth in me. that was a couple nights ago and i truly have been feeling it. i know that we aren't supposed to give much weight on our feelings and emotions (or at least that's what we are taught) but He has given me that. i even read my bible last night. its weird how we always return to the basics in the end. now i just need to continue praying and actually perusing Him. what if im feeling better just because my mood changed? i cant think that. every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord so this change of mood is a good gift and is from Him.
why am i blogging at work? and not at night when i have the time? oh well. ill probably write again later and talk about something lighter. okay? okay.

tres

2008-03-05T22:38:00.000-08:00

this is soon going to be yet another avenue to take when i am trying to procrastinate.

exhibit a

I really like this picture for some reason. probably because im mildly obsessed with pink skies. and its like peace amongst busy streets. i sound lame...

i found out today that he applied to california schools. which i know really means nothing but still a part of me got happy and the larger part of me was sad. oh well. the Lord is good. no matter what.

i hate being indecisive.

Two

2008-03-04T22:33:00.000-08:00

lots of things happened today. well probably not anymore than a normal day but since im writing them out it seems like a lot.

I went to work. told dave i might quit. he told me that if i am in the word, seeking counsel, and im in prayer then i can do whatever the heck i want. now its just a matter of figuring out what that is. then i continued to make my endless amounts of phone calls, repeating the exact same thing over and over. i have my little schpeel memorized to the point where i can text and leave a message at the same time. however, i could be reciting what i am typing and i would have no idea. today i realized that i don't want to be a secretary forever. contradictory to what i have believed my entire life. ...back to the drawing board.

something funny: i called a family the other day and this is convo that happened. me: "hi is your mom or dad home?" girl "no my mom isn't home and my dad can't come to the phone right now." me: "oh okay when would should i call back?" girl "my dad is in the bathtub" me: "...well...ill call back...in... an hour..." i didn't tho. i started laughing whenever i tried.

i want to travel. im pretty sure if i had endless amounts of money, i would go to every major city in the world and spend a month there. find hole in the wall restaurants and sit and stare at art or the great land marks. just being amongst glimpses of my creative God gets my heart beating fast.

i really like art. i may not seem like it but it fascinates me. the deep meaning behind paint. i always wished that i was more artsy and may be i am but i just have never let it out. i also saw a man smoking a pipe today. pipes are extremely attractive to me. i think they represent wisdom, grandfathers, and people who know much more than i. im pretty sure the man i end up with has to smoke a pipe. or at least own one.

dreams freak me out. well i take that back. most of the time i am really intrigued and amused by them but the concept scares me to death. scenarios that you can actually feel and have no real control over. i truly believe satan used dreams to cause us to lose focus. well he does for me at least. my weirdly detailed memory replays things over and over in my head. and the fact i think in a film like sequence doesn't help either.

i need to get better at this.